Work Day Anxiety 

I suffer from anxiety.   I have since I was a pre-teen.  Back then I didn’t call it that.  I just remember constantly feeling exhausted. I learned to live with it.  Through high school, college, and early adult life I kept myself so busy that the anxiety was just part of being busy.   Then it got worse, especially after turning 31.   Things I used to be able to do, like my job as a trainer or going to the grocery store, became more and more difficult.   If you don’t live with anxiety it’s hard to explain why spending ten minutes in a store can send you into a full on anxiety attack.   But it can.  Imagine you’re scuba diving and your tank starts to lose air.   Your body tries and tries to maintain normal function, but with lack of oxygen your vision grows blurry, your body drips sweat, and the whole time your brain registers all that is going on but doesn’t know how to attack each individual threat (or I should say, precieved threat).  

That feeling can happen at anytime, or any place.   Even my own house.   Lately, I’ve found ways to address it and not let it run my whole life.   Through medication and meditation I’m doing better, but I still have moments and days that it comes roaring back.    Work days are typically the worst.   Now I work from home and don’t have to interact with anyone in person so you’d think that would help, but only so much.    On work days, I feel like in waiting for something bad to happen.   I know that is a stupid thought but it takes over my mind.   I find it hard to concentrate on much until work.   I’m jittery.  Waiting.  Checking the clock.  Checking my phone to see if something bad has happened or that I’m in trouble somehow.   It makes the work days start off in the negative, which at times can be insurmountable.

Now I do stop and mediate during this time, which is helpful, but the anxiety is always there.  Tapping away at my chest trying to find it’s way back into taking over my thought process and attitude.  I wish I didn’t spend time worrying so much about something that at the end of the day doesn’t really matter (I know that even if I have a bad day at work, I’m still okay overall).  I wish I could wake up, get things done, go to work, and not have a million thoughts smashing into each other and fighting for my attention until I simply can’t focus at all…